Chinese Teachers
Today was the first day of classes, and it was very much like the first "Harry Potter" book and/or movie, in which each of the teachers is more ridiculous than the last. First of all, my bus to the school was not only insanely crowded, but also insanely slow. Couple that with quickly weakening stomach and gastroinestinal system and I wasn't much use at all. I jumped out of the bus at the wrong station and then had to get back in. Once at my stop (10 minutes late), I had to do my "fast walk" to the school. Fortunately I had my iPod, so I could listen to the latest "Fallout Boy" CD, which although kinda juvenile makes for a good fast-walking soundtrack. I tend to listen to it also at the aiport as soon as I get off my plane and want to make an aggressive b-line to the customs counter before the usual herd of tourists. Richard Blackett taught me well!
Anywhom, I finally go to class which had already started. Apparently the first class was "listening class", and our teacher was there working a tape deck with pre-recorded chinese words. While he seemed relatively normal, althouhg very "HK" if you know what I mean (and I think you do…tight fitting clothing, spiky hair, fashionably nerdy glasses). The part that got me was how he would laugh every time someone didn't know something in Chinese or would screw something up. Hello? It’s the first day of class and we've paid lots of money for these classes - why would we do that if we spoke Chinese already!?
Second Class - The teacher reminded me of one of my T.A.s in college on whom I had a minor and slightly twisted crush. She was a 21 year-old 3rd year PhD student in the Poli Sci department who had apparently spent her earlier life in China. While her English sucked and she wasn't super pretty (like a 5) she got sexy points for being an overachiever from what then was still a pretty commie-ish country.
Anyway, 2nd class teacher was a little chinese woman (ambiguous age) whose chinese name was completely unintelligible, but whose English name was Jasmine (that's right, like the Princess in Alladin…yes, the one with the bare midriff you dirty little monkeys). Anyway, Jasmine spent about an hour on introductions, in which each member of our class would introduce themselves and she would process to say HORRIBLE things about them. It was hilarious. For example:
Me - "Your father is Japanese? You are what we call in Chinese "xxxx", which means half-blood". That’s not bad, right? It got better when she referred to me for the rest of the class as "Mr. Half Blood" or "Half Blood Boy".
To the Girl from Germany - You are from Germany? I love the Germany, but when I went there I would see people from behind and I couldn't tell if they were man or woman. I think because the woman are so manly. They are very strong".
To the American Girl from Germany (immediately after) - Oh, you are American? I thought you were from Germany too!
To the English Boy - "You are in university? You look so young! I thought you were teenager! When I see you, I think to myself "what kind of parents does he have that send their little teenage boy away to China?"
Later she was trying to explain how when american's swear, they use the "4th Tone" (intonation) to say the words. "Listen to yourself next time you say the fuck words". Priceless.
If you know me at all, you'll understand that none of this was offensive to me. In fact, I was dying with laughter. I loved it! I don't think the class loved it as much as I did, but perhaps my commie fetish is rearing its ugly head again?
3rd Class - The professor is tough to describe. Imagine if hello kitty mated with piikchoo from Pokemon, and the offspring of that coupling mated with a chinchilla (the earth's cutest animal). If it could speak Chinese the offspring of that coupling would be this teacher. She was soooooo sweet I nearly burst into crying laughter every ten minutes. She also seemed on the verge of laughter all the time, and sometimes just couldn't help it. At one point I did start to crack up for now reason, and got busted!
Her (whilst laughing): I don't understand. What so funny?
Me: Uh….
Then she explained that he friends call her by "Xiao" and her last name, which is a petty common practice here in China. However, she also explained that her last name combined with Xiao could be considered to mean "Little Monkey". At that point I just lost it.
Don't get me wrong, the teachers are great and they seem very nice, but I just found the day terribly ridiculous, which is what I wanted. Also I at a yummy lunch, which included flat pieces of hard tofu, kinda like tortillas, which we used to scoop up delicious sweet-tasting stry-fried pork. YUMMY!!!
Also more dumplings with dinner. Dumplings made me very happy. VERY HAPPY!
Wish me and my gastrointestinal system luck tomorrow kids!
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