Bangkok Magic Show
OK Kids, time for a diversion from the fun of my travel-blogging!Here´s a fresh story for you from my adventures in "The Oriente".
First of all, I´m still baffeled by the fact that sometime in the late 80s or early 90s the term "Oriental" became really un-PC. As a quasi-Asian, I never really had a problem with it. Oriental didn´t mean imperialist to me or anything, it was just a nice flavor for Top Ramen!
Anyway, there was some point at which the Regents of the University of California or some other organization decided that "Oriental" was un-PC and that was it. Oh well. I liked saying I was part oriental. Now I just like to say I´m "offwhite", as in the expression "Kiss my off-white ass" which you may have heard me say on occasion.
Anyway, I have distracted you from my original story.
Sooooooo
It was a hot night in bangkok...
Note: For anyone who doesn´t want to hear about some combination of strippers, booze or hookers, you should ignore any story that starts with the phrase "It was a hot night in Bangkok"
So I met up with my friend Jack and his then new girlfriend Shirley ("Big Shirl" for the rest of this story, and for life) in the lobby of the Novotel in Bangkok. Note: The Novotel in Bangkok is actually REALLY nice, unless the one in NYC which seems crappy. This contributes to my theory that NYC hotels suck, which I might upgrade from Theory to Law pretty soon.
So when I met Jack he was also pretty soaked (in booze) and Shirley was putting up with him. He had been drinking some sort of thick blue liquor that I think is used to clean combes in the barbershop. We may or may not have grabbed a drink before heading off to some big shopping area in the middle of the city wherein we were assualted by what could only be described as a REMORSELESS ONSLAUGHT of boyband music. Song after song in every store was boyband, albeit international in nature. They had the full spectrum, from the tamer American boybands to the British and Australian boybands to some Thai and Philipine boybands that I had never seen before. Fortunately none of the boybands failed to exhibit that trademark Je ne sais quoi that makes their music so.....irresistable?
Dork Sidenote: Cathy Hwang once accompanied me in a U-Haul van from Philadelphia to New York City on a trip in which we both sang along to a number of boy bands and Christina Aguilera as well as made a monster trip to the giant TARGET just on the outskirts of Philly. This was in 1999, over 5 years ago, so I feel no guilt in admitting it. OK, some guilt.
After meandering through the throngs of boy band crazed shoppers, we eventually ended up at a larger casual restaurant wherein Jack proceeded to order EVERY cliche Thai dish on the menu:
Pad Thai
Red Curry
Penang Curry
Curry Puffs
Knom Jeeb
Papaya Salad
Tom Yum soup
Tom Kha soup
Pad See Yew
Tom Pla
And some others. Total cost per person (including the giant jugs of Chang beer we ordered): About US$5. Now I realized why this was Jack´s favorite place! After stuffing our faces and drinking our fill (or more than our fill as the case may be), we decided to head out for some "nightlife".
We ´hopped into a cab and JAck asked the driver a question phrased in the typical Jack style, a combination of subletely, wit, irony, and diplomacy. Something like "Which is your favorite titty bar? Take us there!"
Of COURSE this was a bad move. Not that Jack and I didn´t want to go to a titty bar, which is one of the "not to be missed" CULTURAL activities in Bangkok, but asking the cab driver was just a recipe for disaster! Even if he was some sort of "insider" to the best of Bangkok´s seedy underbelly, of course he would take us to whichever bar gave him the best kickback.
Long story short, we ended up at some joint just outside of the famous Patpong nightmarket, which is sort of like the Times Square for titty bars at night. While walking through the endless stalls selling crap, one will be assualted on all sides by people holding cards that read the "menu" of the night´s attractions: "Pussy Ping Pong", "Pussy Birthday Cake", "Pussy Backgammon". Ok, I didn´t actually see Pussy Backgammon, but I would be intrigued considering I don´t even know the rules to REGULAR backgammon.
So we ended up in the seedy nudie bar sucking down our Chang beers and it was really much more like a magic show than a nudie bar (not that I would know of course, but I refer to my understanding based on what I read in The New Yorker). Sadly there were no beautiful women in high heels clinging to a pol whilst gyrating to the best of Bon Jovi. There was bad euro-techno music and a scantily clad woman in the middle of the room performing her particular "speciality trick". My memory of the night is clouded with beer, but as far as I can remember the events went like this:
- Pussy birthday cake - By far the least impressive treat. The woman simply blew out the candles on a FAKE birthday cake. None of us was very impressed.
- Pussy banana - A banana was "shot" across the stage, but again not that far. At this point we were a little bored.
- Pussy Handerchief - This was definitely the most reminiscent of a magic show. We all know the act where the magician pulls an endless handkerchief from his pocket and the audience wonders "how does all that fit in his pocket?". It was basically the same concept. At this point we started to perk up.
- Pussy Target Practice - Balloons were shot with a dart gun. We were applauding at this point, although not a standing ovation. At least her aim was good.
- Pussy Coke - This was probably the most revolting of the "tricks", which simply involed a woman opening a bottle of coke. No idea how she did it. Then the bottle was offered to members of the audience, each of which refused. Finally one of the other performers drank the coke, to which the entire audience let out one long revolted groan of disgust. I think that Big Shirl may have yelled out "Thats just NASTY!".
- Pussy Coke Part II - This is where it gets really interesting. So the woman then poored the dark brown coke into her particular receptical, and then poured it back out into the bottle, at which point it was CLEAR! Then she poured the clear liquid back in, then poured it out again and it had returned to being BROWN! Ooooooooh! How´d she do that!??! I was in awe.
- Pussy Razor Blades - This was the craziest part. A string with multiple razor blades was inserted and subsquentely removed! No idea how this was accomplished!
So all in all it was a decent night´s entertainment, definitely better than the Tango Show I just went to in Buenos Aires (although not better than the Tango Show I went to with Samidha in BA back in 2003). It was fun to see Jack and Big Shirtl, who turned out to be SUPER cool, but it was also nice to have a night out. We all need a little culture once in a while, and there really is nothing like a night at The Theatre.
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